Gradual Momentum

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I feel pretty lucky that Heather and I both like David my new therapist. He is totally into us working together so we both benefit. He called Heather out on a few things and called me out as well. He was excited because I actually came out of my shell and he said he has a much better feeling about my personality.

I admitted that the early morning appointments were killing me. So we booked later appointments for the future. I have an eight o'clock one next week. UGH! It is the last early one, so I have to just pull up my pull ups and be a big girl. Just do it....

We had a good chance to communicate on some issues that were jamming us up. I took some anger that H was having towards me for an entirely different reason that what it actually was. Once he and Heather said, "Yo dumbass.....that isn't why she is unhappy, and clarified everything....a lot more stuff started to click into place.

We just have to work on our communication skills. I need to work on my listening skills.

We are having a 2nd major purge yard sale this weekend. We did one about two weeks ago. We had the come to jesus talk and we are purging some more. We had one whole bedroom upstairs that was full of boxes. We are happy to report that those boxes are now broken down and said shit in the boxes was sold at first yard sale. We sold a bunch of crap out of our garage as well. We have found three bins of miscellaneous hardware we will never use. So we are putting it out for 25 cents each, just to be rid of the stuff.

We have two DVD players. The one we have in the bedroom has been used once. So we are letting go of it. I also had purchased an I-Pod docking station that will not work on my new Ipod that I purchased in March. We are selling that beeeeach too. I have a work desk from when I worked at home that has tons of shit on it. Said shit will be sorted through so I can actually use the desk. I have multiple computer mice.... boxes, pens, nick nacks.....you name it. If you like junk and do-dads come on down. We will have a dirt devil broom vac for sale, kitchen stuff. Corner of Maple and Union Blvd in Bethlehem PA. Starts at 8am! SATURDAY!!! NO Early Birds! :-)

I haven't made a true post in a while. Honestly I have felt totally toxic and didn't want to pollute cyberspace with a bunch of depressing shit. Who wants to read that? Honestly... I didn't think so. So here I am with an update of sorts.

Things are better. I am still feeling down but they recently upped my antidepressant. That usually takes a couple of weeks to work itself out. I am still having bad days. They just aren't as horrible as they started out.

I am at a cross-road with religion. That has been thought provoking to say the least. At this point I am agnostic. See my last video, it puts it all into perspective quite nicely.

I am doing therapy, which hasn't really gone far. I have been too zombied out on the medications with the early morning appointments. So I have an afternoon one tomorrow. We shall see how that plays out. My partner Heather may come along for a couples session. It all depends on scheduling. If she can get out of work she will scoop me up and we will go!

Well I'd better go to bed.

The lamictal is making me anxious as soon as I take it. Within an hour I am starting to freak. When I was out with the dogs about a half an hour ago I felt like someone was out to get me. I was literally afraid to be walking my dogs in our yard and up and down the street. It was a totally irrational fear. We do have some characters that wonder the neighborhood, but no one that strikes me as out to get me.

I had been feeling keyed up waiting on H. She got stuck at the hospital with one of her associates who has zero family or support of her own. H really looks out for her peeps. She did not leave her hanging. She waited at the hospital until 8pm and drove her back to her car at their facility.

Her associates do love her because she really does care about them. She is a good boss.


I am super drugged right now. I am high on anti anxiety medication, plus a sleeping pill is in the mix. It is a vicious cycle. If I take my antidepressant and mood stabilizer, I get very anxious. Then I have to take an anti anxiety pill to counteract that, plus for a while I have had problems sleeping. Throw in an ambien for good measure.

Better living through chemistry....bastards....

It seems as if Sophie has had a stroke. She is still with it. She is having difficulty walking and is turning her head slightly to the side. Our vet isn't back in the office until Tuesday. She is eating and still getting joy out of life. H doesn't want her to be in pain if she has another stroke again. We will get the vets input, but I am afraid for our old gal. The vet said the next time she is in that she wants to do all of the bloodwork again. This will be the true test of our pup. If her kidneys have failed then we will have to let her go. H is heartbroken and I am sad too. I am being the strong one right now. Go figure right?

Say a prayer for what is best for our oldest fur-kid (or whatever you subscribe to). Thank you to you all.

I think that my antidepressant needs a boost. I am feeling very down right now. Simple things seem like they take monumental effort. I am missing my honey a lot too. I will see her first thing in the morning.

I hate my body chemistry with a passion. I have been somewhat sick for several weeks now. My body flipped me the bird today. I haven't been sleeping worth a damn for the last few days. I hurt all over. All of my joints are just killing me. I feel like I am eighty. At night I am so damned stiff getting up and walking can be downright painful. I know I have some arthritis in my knees and left shoulder. The rest of me is probably arthritic as well. Even my wrists were hurting me last night.

As a result of the lack of sleep my bipolar disorder is roaring its head. So I am moody and depressed to a degree. My posts have been showing that lately as well. I called out of work today and my wife was mad.

She didn't even want to talk to me. She had her justification for it. I drive her loony sometimes.

She is stuck at work late tonight. So hopefully we will have some time to figure some stuff out.

We may get to do some couples counseling. I am not against it. WE shall see.

So I finally got the woman who knew what my issue was with my student loans. It is over. I have run out of aid. My credit is not horrible, but it isn't perfect either. I don't make enough to get more private loans. I have only been at my job for seven weeks. So I just have a ton of student loans. The woman at school had no sympathy for me, she actually was bitchy. I am a bit frustrated and bummed at the moment.

We had to make a tough decision this weekend. My car has had an oil leak of unknown origin for a while. It was pretty bad and then it got better. I thought maybe I had a a bad oil filter. Just last week on a warmer day my car had a big antifreeze leak. We think that was the result of my (lack of mechanical) brain power and putting too much antifreeze in. My car constantly was reading low coolant on the dash.
So I may have had a small leak that I haven't found yet. My inspection is due soon. Last year we dropped 1200 dollars on repairs. We both were worried about the car passing. In PA the inspections are done by a mechanic and you are pretty much at their mercy. Back in Delaware you drove through a long lane and you honked your horn, they tested your wipers, checked your lights, did a brake test, and tested your emissions.

So the end of the story is that I bought a new car.

I will post pictures at some point.

2009 Ford Focus, pretty loaded....and its blue.

Very safe and practical.....I am getting old.

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( Rambling thoughts about random stuff )

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